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Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then cross your legs. Cross them tighter, you're going to need this.

Meet the Vaginal Washer, a product patented in 1921.
Patent application illustration of a long tube-shaped device with a nozzle at one end and complex machinery inside.
The inventor, Theodore Hubert Larson, designed this thing to, as the name suggests, wash the vagina. Its shape is intended to be "readily inserted" in there. And once the vaginal washer is in, it is supposed to - we really hope you listened when we told you to cross your legs - "brush and scrape the walls thereof".
But how does the thing work, you don't ask because you probably really don't want to know. We're going to tell you anyway. First, the vaginal washer squirts a "cleaning liquid" in with a syringe. But wait, this isn't just some kind of over-engineered douche!

Then, you turn a crank handle. This makes the "wipers" rotate around to give everything a good scrub. "Wipers" is Theodore Hubert Larson's words, not ours.
Here's a look at the wipers and crank from the patent application. If it's possible to cross your legs any harder, you might want to do that now.
Several close-up illustrations of mechanisms within the vagina washer, including a crank mechanism which resembles an egg beater.
One more thing, just in case you need another wince to kick off your afternoon: the vaginal washer was made out of nickel. Up to 19% of people are allergic to nickel, and nickel sensitivity is much more common if you have a vagina.
You can uncross your legs now, though. See, Theodore Hubert Larson said in his application that the contraption is "so designed that it will not injure any of the parts operated on during the rotary brushing or cleaning operation." Phew. Let's just trust him, then.
If it's any consolation whatsoever, there's no records of this most cursed and wretched device ever having been sold. For some reason, there was absolutely no demand for a crank-operated vag-scraper.
We hope we don't need to tell you that despite the patent having expired on the vaginal washer many years ago, PLEASE DO NOT BUILD ONE. There's absolutely nothing about it that would be in any way healthy or good for your vagina.
Okay, but WHY did this weirdo think that this was useful or a good idea at all?
I would imagine testing it on a unknown? number of females was his kink🤷.
An improved version without shower function might have it's potential, no? 🥸
Also filed the same invention for patent in Canada:

You may be pleased to know this is the only patent he seems to have filed.
No but Imma design a much narrower one for the penis. With batteries: electric boogaloo
I don't even have the right parts to use that... contraption, but I closed my thighs on reflex anyway. [shudder]
Am I the only person seeing this?
A hand-cranked mixer.
Well. At least it was upfront about what it was for.


Banana Cleaner Machine, Food Grade Silicone Pressure Sensor, Intelligent Cleaner, Fruit and Vegetable Washing Machine
They were all holding out for the cordless, battery-operated one?
Right up until the nickel bit I was thinking this didn't sound so bad. Rotating devices for internal use are on the toy market these days!
Lots of screws. Stainless steel design. Bulky and what seems like micro blades.

Nothing wrong here.
K, gotta go lie down for the rest of the day.
Like a... car wash for your insides? 🙊😬😬
today in "threads I wish I hadn't clicked" *whimper*
Jikes... Men @ Work, I suppose? an egg beater. An egg beater to whirl around one's vag.
whatever you do don’t show this to gwyneth Paltrow
Odd that this fellow thought vaginas needed cleaning, but presumably did not also propose to use this for his own poop hole.
Crossed my legs so tightly reading this that I may never be able to uncross them again 😳
That looks more like a lawnmower!